Letting Go?
I sometimes wonder if it is a rite of passage during the life of a human being to be told the phrase “ Just let it go”. It is the slogan that implies we need to forget the trauma’s of our past to overcome them. I can think of one way to achieve this forgetting and that is through the degenerative disease of Alzheimer’s. With Alzheimer’s over time you will even forget how to walk.
Unless you have a severely masochistic personality this is not the way anyone is going to want to have to “let go” of their trauma.
The thing is, you cannot “let go” of your past. It happened and the memory of it, albeit distorted from the actual event, will exist across your lifespan. So what are you going to do with it?
Are you going to give so much weight to it that its burden prevents you from living your life as you would like? Is the guilt over past mistakes causing you to dwell and not move forward? What about the anxiety associated with visions and thoughts of a traumatic event such as a violent attack or rape? Are you unable to forgive someone for wrongdoing and hold onto resentment to the extent that you yourself suffer? Are you unable to ask for forgiveness or forgive yourself?
If this is going on for a long time then you are allowing the memory of the past to effect you in the present. Notice how I use the word “allowing”. I do so not to blame you but to empower you. If you believe that you are allowing the past to hurt you now than alternatively you have the power to stop it now, or later if you so choose. The goal is not to let go of the past, rather it is to put in its rightful place and take away the energy you devote to it so that it is not impairing you now.
Putting the past into its proper place can be achieved;
Believe in the perspective that you are NOT out of control.
If you believe that there’s nothing you can do about the past then you will fulfill this belief and do nothing about the past. If this is the case with you, challenge this belief by testing it out.
One way to test drive the idea that you are not out of control is to take a moment and dwell upon your favorite food. Think about all the ways it can be prepared, imagine the savory taste of this delicious meal, imagine it is the best meal you have ever had. What reactions are you having? Are you starting to crave the food? Are you contemplating even getting up and having this meal? Are you salivating? If so, you have just experienced what happens when attention and intention is directed at something. If “nothing” happened, what else were you directing your attention and intention at? The Past???
Fine
Then face the past -
Often times when a past memory that gives us pain arises we want to quickly avoid it and turn away from the thoughts in hopes that it will go away. “Don’t think about that now!” goes the self talk.
Well,
When you find yourself gripped by the memories, visions and thoughts associated with whatever it is about the past that you are giving your attention to then turn it up a notch overload it with attention and go through it. This can be done alone or with another person, professional or not. Talk to yourself, debate it with yourself if you have to. What conclusions do you come up with? Write it out if need be for further analysis. Take on the past head on. By overloading it with attention you can win it over and come to know that it does not control you but it is you that gives control to it.
Put it away by coming to the present and looking forward
If you are dwelling on the past and suffering for it get your mind out of the past by examining the present an looking forward to the future. Are you living the life you want to? Are you fulfilling the goals you desire? Turn your intention and attention to these aspects of your life. Realize that it is a waste of your energy to allow yourself to get stuck on the past.
Use the past as a strength
When you do face the past what are you learning from it? Our collective experiences contribute to our learning and growth. For instance, if you were ripped off by someone would you rather hold a grudge and get angry and upset over getting ripped off or use it as a learning experience to use caution and greater awareness when dealing with similar situations in the future?
The same is for survivors of trauma, you’ve been there, done that. You are now a valuable resource for other people who may have suffered through a similar experience who can help others get through it and in doing so may help yourself get through it. Or you now understand how much suffering can encompass the human experience, use it as a measuring stick to appreciate the good things in your life and take pride in the progression you have made. Many of you have already done amazing things in life but you cloud it by devoting so much energy to the past.
The choice is yours, the possibilities are only limited to your own mind. What are you doing now? What are you going to do tomorrow?
Don’t let go. Rather embrace, accept and put it in its proper place with the rest of your experiences that have helped shape the highest expression of the evolution of consciousness on this planet, you.
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service websitehttp://rmetherapy.com He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at 800-313-1169
Is anybody really surprised that the rational empiricists have recently “discovered” that people’s intuition is usually accurate and that those who are able to recognize and utilize this valuable, seemingly extra sensory ability that all human beings apparently have, benefit tremendously?
We’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives (I hope!), that hunch that comes from nowhere while we are lost and we seize it for our advantage to find our way again, or the lingering yet undeniable sense that we need to make a certain choice that once acted upon turns out to be for our benefit.
Now, can one say that intuition is 100% successful? Of course not. Yet the probability is high and now there is a new scientific study confirming that it is actually, yes really, quite accurate.
The key is recognition and action. How do we know our intuition is signaling us? Well, this is a rather difficult task considering the number of distractions to our senses and conscious perception that are in existence today. Many of us can be seen constantly moving our necks down to fiddle with a smart phone, lost in I-pod audioland, or staring at a large flat screen object known as a television. Even sifting through all of this there is still the challenge of distinguishing one’s intuition from one’s emotions, mood, or anxieties.
Is the lover who feels unsettled suspecting his or her partner of insincerity or infidelity picking up something intuitively or is he or she just paranoid with the culprit being a level of mistrust within the relationship or the person him or herself that has been unaddressed? Does the businessman or woman who has serious doubts about an important business endeavor and is about to stop the whole thing picking up on something that may actually hurt their business or is this just a fear of failure within the person setting in again?
The only way to tell is to test it out!
First, you must analyze your beliefs, if you truly do not believe in intuition you are already inhibiting your intuition and will rationalize it away if it is engaged. So check your beliefs. If you believe in the power of intuition you are now in the proper frame of mind to test it out.
To do that one needs to set aside the sensory distractions to calm to the mind and allow for internal observation of ones whole being. This creates an environment that is more conducive to the first step in utilizing the tool of intuition, recognition. One game you can play is too make your way to an area that is concentrated with restaurants. Go with the intent only to have a fine meal and an enjoyable lunch/dinner and not with any particular choice of cuisine in mind. As you make your way along the area take note of your internal status always keeping the original intent in mind. How do you react from the appearance and thought of the available restaurants? Any discrepancies? Do you find any differences in places that may be visually appealing (nice signs, building) but just don’t feel right?
Avoid the internal dialogue. This is the rational, left brain, ego-oriented aspect of the self trying to do its thing and weigh the cost/benefits of each potential decision based on the information it has to process taking into account past experiences, current knowledge, etc. to influence the ultimate decision. Step away from that, focus on the present moment and “know” which is the right choice. Then go with it and see how it works out, I would wager the probability is high that it will. If not, well you can always play the game again.
Once you are able to hone in on your intuition go with it! Remember, once your internal dialogue kicks in your intuition will be clouded. Basically don’t think about it, just do it. Eventually with practice in other situations; around people in social/professional situations, planning future events, analyzing another persons situation you will (like all skills and abilities) improve your intuition and maximize its use as the powerful tool that it truly is.
Now, for you overly left-brain leaning rational folks that require repeatable proof and may be coming to opinions and conclusions that this is simply new age mumbo jumbo being typed onto the web I suggest taking a look at some of Rupert Sheldrake’s work and his morphogenetic field theories specifically regarding Intuition.
Happy reading/listening and trust thyself.
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at 800-313-1169.
You, as a single human being are bestowed with the most powerful creative, problem solving, conceptual, and perceptual tool known in this world, The brain. Your consciousness/soul utilizes this gray matter to interact with consensus reality.
Despite this tremendous asset, you as a human being will never know with absolute certainty in this lifetime; what happens after death, when you will die, when your friends and family will die, whether your personal endeavors will fail or succeed, whether there is a meaning to life, and whether God or the metaphysical does or does not exist. What we do know for certain is that we, along with every single living being, will die.
If we cannot truly know the definitive answer to these questions and we know that life is fleeting. That at any moment our existence in this form will come to an end. Why do so many of us allow ourselves to become absorbed in matters of trivia even to the point of emotional suffering? When really, it doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter.
The grudge you hold for someone who may have lied to you , betrayed you, or said something you didn’t like in the past, doesn’t matter.
You passing judgemet over your fellow human beings, doesn’t matter.
People having a poor opinion of you, doesn’t matter.
Drama in the workplace over what someone said or had done, doesn’t matter.
Money? A belief system made up by humans and printed on paper everyday, doesn’t matter.
Your job, your title, your car, and all your material possessions, they don’t matter either. You don’t even possess your “possessions” or the land you live on. They are only things accessible to you in the human form and serve no purpose whatsoever after this life.
(This is the part where you try to justify to yourself all your anxieties over things that you believe really matter that don’t really matter. Instead of doing this I suggest calling up your wife, husband, mother, father, sibling, friend, etc. right now and tell him or her you love them and are blessed to have them in your life)
“But what about my bills?!” “My job!” “I have responsibilities!” “I have children to feed!” “They all matter!”. These statements are conducive of someone who is actually well situated in their life (i.e. has a job, can pay for their own shelter, can realistically provide for their family, probably in good physical health) but actively seeks out reasons for and makes excuses for their own personal suffering, usually in the form of desire. Maybe they believe they should have a better car, a bigger house, more money, a better job. That he or she should have more than what they have. There is a lack of contentment that many people in western society have despite the highest standard of living in the world. Why? Because too many people devote too much energy to thoughts and things that do not matter.
These are just some of the justifications people tell themselves and others so that they can suffer and tap into a psychological aspect of all people; the capability and desire for self-destruction. As a society we deal with this conflict all the time. As Jung mentioned, at any moment man is susceptible to some new madness and war. This principle is applied to the individual as well. Some people just choose to be miserable.
Now, you do have responsibilities and the failure to fulfill them will have consequences but most of them do not matter either. If you don’t show up to work, you will probably get fired and will likely need to find another means of income. Does that matter? Nope. Fail to make payments on a home or vehicle and you may lose that vehicle or home, Does it matter? Nope. Fail to have a proper diet, exercise, and rest and you will become unhealthy. In the grand scheme of things even this doesn’t matter. The presence or absence of you as a human being on earth does not matter, the universe goes on with or without you.
Look at the society the west has created for itself. Is there any greater perversion than having a prevailing culture that drives one to spend all of their young adulthood and middle age engaged in a broken record, treadmill like, rat race like existence of the typical 9-5 5 days a week (if lucky) chasing the proverbial cheese (wealth, money, power) so that hopefully by the time one is old and feeble one can “retire” and do the things that he or she wants to do (if they are even physically capable of doing so)
“But that’s just the way it is!”
Says the person who has put all their energy into the societies collective belief system on how it should be run failing to realize that as the most powerful creative beings on the planet humanity is capable of creating thousands of different kinds of societies with different values and ways of being. It starts with the individual.
Our “primitive” indigenous ancestors dedicated just a few hours each day towards the labor necessary to provide food, shelter, and medicine for the tribe. The rest of time was spent in story telling, ceremonial celebrations, games, eating, sleeping, inebriation, and sex. Life was much simpler and people were content with what they had.
Yet now, with all of our advanced technology and knowledge, people are working more than ever even holding multiple jobs and many are miserable in the labor they engage in that serves to attain money and accumulate material things. People are pretty disconnected from their communities as everyone is out for themselves to acquire more things that don’t matter.
You exist for maybe 80 – 100 years as a human being, if you have offspring you may be remembered by your family for maybe a few generations and then all memory of you will be lost. You are nothing more than dust in the wind, a blip in the 15 billion years of the existence of this universe, all your cares and worries simply do not matter no matter how much you try to convince yourself that they do.
The critic of these words would likely argue that I am advocating a free for all do not care anything goes type of society, after all, its doesn’t matter, right? This is simply not true. Natural law prevents this. There are consequences for everything. So, obviously a system of moral laws should be in place to allow for all people to live and pursue their dreams. To fulfill ones goals one must put forth effort and work towards them or these goals will not be able to manifest, very simple.
If you are responsible for the care of children you will have to work to provide for them. Remember, you made the choice to engage in sexual intercourse and bring children into this world. The complaints and stress associated with child-rearing don’t matter either. If you do not want the responsibility of raising children then do not have children.
Life is not always going to be smooth and fun. However, the material desires of western society lead people to invest energy into fear, judgeing others, and self loathing. All things that don’t matter.
What does matter is love and forgiveness. Love and forgive thyself, your friends, family, your fellow human beings, and creation in general and you will find a peace that cannot be found in terms of any level of material wealth or status.
Know that you cannot know and let go.
You, as a single individual have only a certain sphere of control. Many things are beyond your control. For example, the business cycle ebbs and flows, the weather changes, the natural environment which supports every moment of your physical existence as a human is out of your control, and you cannot control any other person including subordinates and coworkers who are actually exercising their own free will in following your instruction/orders.
For some, not being in control is a frightening place to be and fear over things beyond ones control can sometimes become a serious problem in the form of malignant anxiety or catastrophic thinking. But you will never be in complete control and therefore your anxiety or desire to be in control doesn’t matter. You are simply hurting yourself for no reason.
There is no single way for one to find contentment through acceptance of non-control and a knowing of unknowing. Everyone’s individual experience is unique, there are many individual belief systems and thought processes at play that can effect how one attains this level of awareness.
Take a moment to reflect upon all the things that bother you, do they really matter?
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at (800) 313-1169.
Modern broadband internet communications and advanced web-cam technology have made video sessions in online counseling very fluid. In fact, it is the closest experience one can have to traditional therapy. There is, however, a pertinent issue that must be addressed for both client and online therapist in regards to video sessions. That is, the lack of direct eye contact. For the client or therapist to see each others eyes directly each person must look directly into the camera lens. By doing so, the person facing the camera cannot see the other person’s face as he or she is focused on the camera lens. This poses a potential problem in online therapy as eye contact, facial expression, and body language during verbal exchanges is very important because they are all forms of communication. For the online counselor, not being able to perceive this non-verbal communication while speaking to the client can lead to the therapist to miss out on cues the client may reveal of their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that may be outside of the client’s awareness. In traditional therapy, the therapist would see and take notice of all of these factors.
A therapist can determine how a client is feeling by the client’s physical expression during verbal exchanges. One can see if a client is becoming anxious, angry, or saddened because the client will often reveal this in their body language. When these changes are observed often the therapist will ask the client to reflect upon their thought processes when discussing the matter at hand that has invoked the client’s display of body language. Many times, this will reveal to the client reactions and expressions that were previously outside of their awareness that may be useful in the therapeutic process. If the camera position of either client or therapist prevents this, then much can be lost that would otherwise be used in traditional therapy. This is a major critique of the video session in online counseling.
At this time completely direct eye contact is not possible with current web camera technology. Online therapists and their clients can certainly mitigate the effects this limitation imposes on the therapeutic process. This is done by placing the camera in a position that has the lens just directly above the viewing screen. This way the frontal view of each persons face is directly visible on screen. Here, both client and online counselor can look directly at the screen and speak to each other instead of the camera lens. The view is not going to be perfect in regards to eye contact, but it is much better than turning away from the other persons face to make eye contact through the lens. The therapist can now observe the clients facial expressions while speaking and regain some of the cues that would have been lost while addressing the camera.
There are numerous web cams that are able to mount on the top of a desktop computer screen or laptop along with built in cameras that are placed right above the screen. Stand alone cameras that are placed on a desk will have to be placed just sideways of the viewing screen to achieve the best results. However, it will not produce the same effect as the frontal view produced from a mounted camera. This is just one small step to enhance the online counseling experience. For the therapist, it will ease the work in-session and for the client he or she will be much more comfortable if he or she is able to see their therapist directly. Hopefully in the future there will be some sort of viewing lenses, akin to eye glasses, that can be worn to facilitate direct eye contact but for now a mounted camera will have to suffice.
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com. He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at (800) 313-1169.
Nothing is without consequence. Every single choice and action we make has an effect on the collective reality in which we exist. There are no exceptions to this natural law. So long as one accepts the premise that he or she as a human being has free will than one is already better prepared to; examine themselves and the events which have occurred and are occurring in their life, forgive themselves for their own transgressions and the suffering one’s words or deeds may have imposed upon themselves and others, recognize the more adaptive and appropriate choices one must make to break away from the patterns of choices and actions that have led to said suffering, and ultimately make those choices and actions that will heal themselves and the world around them.
But what if one does not believe in the concept of free will? What if we are organisms that are responding to our environment and are controlled by external events? To a certain degree this is true. Rather ,we are influenced by the external world, Almost entirely so as an infant and child. Philisophically speaking the absolute truth of belief or dis-belief in free will is probably not going to be decided in one blog post. However, one who does not believe in free will concedes a great deal of personal power and may fail to recognize their role in their own suffering to support this belief while one who accepts free will in turn quickly recognizes their role and becomes empowered. Regardless of belief, one is still subject to the natural law.
By influenced I do not mean control.
The natural law of action and reaction is in fact it is our primary basis for learning as we grow into adults and live out our lives. The child who places his or her hand on the hot stove top will be burned. He or she may not know this at first out of sheer ignorance, but the experience of burning their hand will greatly influence the child’s subsequent choice in the future. But he or she is still free to make that choice no matter how much they are influenced by direct experience or by the instruction of a parent. This highlights the importance of a child having nurturing parents for obviously the child lacks experience living in the world and is almost entirely ignorant of it, but the child still has free will despite this ignorance.
Then there are people who are physically and psychologically handicapped. Some who have great difficulty in expressing their will. They too are subject to the natural law and have the ability to cause or not to cause their own suffering. For example, suppose a delusional person believes that demons have infiltrated his or her body and have congregated in their left hand. Then he or she cuts their left hand to remove them. This is still an expression of free will despite the misperception/belief to which the person is using as a template (as we all do) to perceive and interact with reality. It is that person who expressed their will, not the disorder. They are still subject to the natural law and have made the choice to cut themselves with the consequence being the experience of pain and a wounded left hand.
The natural world exists in a manner that supports our existence, supplying oxygen in every breath, food, water, and materials for shelter. Human beings are much better equipped technologically and medically to survive threats to our survival in the external world. Only a massive catastrophic like natural event could truly threaten the survival of the a large number of people or the species. With these basic needs met many of us are able spend time in reflection, have time for leisure, and be free to move about as we please without immediate attention required to survive in the moment.
This is why we as human beings are the cause of our own suffering. Regardless if these choices and actions made are done out of ignorance, false beliefs, or irrational thinking it is still the expression of ones will that creates the resulting effect. As Carl Jung said “The gigantic catastrophes that threaten us today are not elemental happenings of a physical or biological order, but psychic events. To a quite terrifying degree we are threatened by wars and revolutions which are nothing other than psychic epidemics. At any moment several millions of human beings may be smitten with a new madness, and then we shall have another world war or devastating revolution. Instead of being at the mercy of wild beasts, earthquakes, landslides, and inundations, modern man is battered by the elemental forces of his own psyche.”
Now take for instance the person who’s seaside property is damaged by heavily rising tides off the ocean because of a powerful storm system out at sea. One may not be surprised to hear this person proclaim that he or she is a victim and question “How could this happen to me?” What seems like a person who is a victim of a random external event is nothing more than a human being suffering as a result of choices he or she has made. For he or she had made the choice to invest their energy and build their home so close to the sea and as a result when a large storm system came and caused the tides to rise their property was damaged. Whether such a person was or was not aware of the increased risk of such an event happening to them by having their property on the ocean is irrelevant. He or she made the choice to live there.
Now, after reading the above example one may be thinking. “Aren’t you a counselor?” “Don’t you have empathy for people and want to care for them when they suffer?” To which I would reply “Yes!”, by offering empathic support and understanding along with guidance towards recognition of the natural law and the empowering realization of the expression of ones free will.
What about people who experience traumatic events such as rape, or suffer from criminal violence, was this also the result of a lack of free will expression? No, these events are the result of people violating another person’s free will. However, the continuation of the effects of the trauma by the victim themselves through a failure to resolve their present maladaptive perspective of the experience eventually becomes an expression of their own free will and continues to be so long after the persecutor committed the violation.
The goal of resolution for people who suffer from violations of their free will is to have the person stop attributing so much power to the memory of these experiences so that it they don’t restrict their own free will. (desire for a trusting relationship with the opposite sex, desire to travel to new places, etc) Also, bear in mind that people who violate another person’s free will and inflict suffering upon others will bring suffering upon themselves, Rapists and those who commit other forms of criminal violence usually end up living out their life locked in a cage.
Not all traumatic events are a violation of one’s free will. Take the example of the mercenary. If a mercenary is suffering PTSD as a result of their actions in hostile environments the mercenary has created their own suffering with their choice to be a paid killer. Still, the same goal applies for the repentant mercenary, to learn to reduce the power given to their memories and feelings of self-guilt. To express their free will and forgive themselves.
Still, many people will externalize their suffering and become defensive when confronted with the alternative that they are responsible for their own suffering. For they are using the belief/template that they are victims or that it is the “others” responsibility, etc. etc. This thinking highlights perhaps the greatest misconception of therapists and therapy in general, that one goes to therapy and the therapist “fixes” their problem (psychologically speaking) when in reality the therapist is a facilitator who can help the client recognize the problem an find solutions. But only the client him or herself can carry it to fruition. When the therapists fails to properly address, challenge, and change this belief client’s will often be disappointed in the therapy when this expectation is not met.
An acceptance of the concept of free will is incredibly empowering. When one truly understands that the value of the opinions and actions of others, whether directed towards them or not, is only as great as he or she deems them to be and that one is free to do as he or she wishes (with the natural law in mind) it is a very liberating experience.
You are your own savior and destroyer.
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at (800) 313-1169.
Guilt is a very powerful cognitive emotional experience. One that can lead a person to feel anxious and depressed. Guilt can sometimes lead someone to engage in escapist behaviors such as social withdrawal or heavy drug use. However, guilt can also serve as a positive force. One that motivates people to atone for legitimate wrong doing and to remedy tarnished relationships. In essence guilt can be a tremendous learning experience.
People feel guilty for a variety of reasons, sometimes this guilt is unwarranted,sometimes it is valid. Excessive and punitive self-guilt is debilitating psychologically and can leave one to become inert. People can become consumed by guilt and the thoughts and images associated with it. People will neglect their relationships, responsibilities, and life itself while playing over and over again in their minds the memories, experiences, and associated thoughts and feelings. Excessive guilt is often associated with PTSD.
On the other end of the spectrum we find the sociopathic perspective. Here, a person feels no guilt or remorse, rationalizes their behavior, and otherwise lacks a sense of moral reasoning altogether. Such people will use denial or project onto and blame others for their behavior.
Both extremes of this spectrum are irrational. Both extremes, when they are expressed by people, come about through a variety of reasons; some experiential, some cultural, and some are likely based in heredity. This can only be truly determined through knowing the person him or herself.
For instance, let’s say a person grew up in an environment consisting of a fundamentalist religious culture. Perhaps there is a strict moral code. Such a person could be found punishing him or her self and feeling guilty over finding people of the same sex attractive. If homosexuality in any form is a violation of the persons instilled moral code the person may believe that this will have deep metaphysical ramifications. Although understandable how such a person can come to feel guilty within that person’s cultural context, from my perspective this would be considered excessive guilt.
The other end of the spectrum consists of a more sociopathic person who may rationalize theft by blaming the victim for leaving their property in a place where it could be easily stolen. This person neglects the negative effect on the other person who suffers upon realization of the theft of their property.
When working with a counselor, a determination must be made in regards to the rationality of the person’s guilt. There can be an offering of alternative perspectives. For the person in the fundamentalist culture, he or she could be shown that nature is abundant with homosexuality in its lifeforms and the person can ponder; Why would humans, being a part of nature themselves, be so far different? Then, one would have to work with this person further to examine the ongoing effects on the person’s social system, especially if a revelation of the person’s homosexuality is made to those in their social system. In the context of a fundamentalist culture, it can be quite difficult for this person to come to accept him or her self for who they are. Even more difficult, can be acceptance within the person’s social system. Empowerment is crucial with such a person so that opinions and judgments by others do not hold too great a value that the guilt becomes reinforced.
For the sociopathic thief, if a counselor cannot help the person accept responsibility for their actions as well as adopt a perspective of empathy in understanding the negative effect their choices have had on others, then another possible approach would be to highlight the real legal and punitive consequences that can come about to those who harm others and violate the law. Sometimes this can restrict this behavior, other times not. If it does not, the justice system exists for this purpose and criminals are removed from society.
As human beings, we have all made choices and behaved in ways which we believe, and in turn feel like, we should not have. If one accepts the concept of free will, then moral reasoning is a positive force in this world as human beings always have the potential for great and destructive atrocity. Our conscience keeps us in check. However, malignant guilt can be a destructive force. Leading one to depression, deteriorating relationships, even suicide. At times a person can resolve their guilt on their own and live life without such a burden. Others may require counseling to determine the level of rationality behind the guilt and work to attain the true goal when working through guilt; forgiveness to oneself.
Finally, the literal “Golden Rule” in regards to guilt and relationships is to put on the other shoe. Think about how you would feel if someone you have a relationship with, a spouse, relative, or friend was carrying out the absolute identical behavior and thought process you are having. How does that make you feel? If it would hurt you to know the other person was doing the same thing than that is usually a good sign that it may be in your best interest to avoid such behaviors, that your guilt may be justified. Conversely, if you would truly be accepting of the other person(s) carrying out the exact same behaviors than it is likely what you are doing is not something to necessarily feel guilty about.
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at (800) 313-1169.
There is quite a variety of therapeutic styles out there.
There are some therapists who’s clinical focus is primarily on the client’s relationships with others and how the behavior of others is contributing to the person’s well being (Interpersonal therapy) as opposed to intra-psychic conflicts within the person themselves. Here, the client and therapist work on building ones interpersonal skills which include; voice tone and body language in regards to communicating with others, patience with others, recognition of ones own emotional reactions to others, as well as appreciation for the people in ones life and expression of this appreciation to them. They will identify maladaptive relationships and work to strengthen or eliminate them as well as improve upon already strong relationships. In short, by improving ones social skills and in turn their relationships with other people one will improve their overall well-being.
There are therapists who focus primarily on ones actions. Again, setting aside internal processes and working solely with ones actions and how they impact ones life (Behavioral therapy). Take for example someone who has a fear of elevators. The behavioral therapist is not so much concerned with why the person fears elevators (what thought processes or early life experiences may have contributed to the fear) rather, the behavioral therapist wants to desensitize the person to the feared stimulus (elevators) through actual exposure to it, create a safe environment for the person to experience the elevator, and in turn not fear it. A client working with a behavioral therapist would likely take a gradual approach (although some therapists may expose the person all at once).
First, the therapist may have the client simply visualize the step by step process of entering the elevator and riding up and down on it in their mind, doing so repeatedly. Then, accompanied by the therapist, the client would actually walk up to an elevator, all the while both client and therapist taking note of and discussing the client’s responses to the stimulus (i.e. rapid breathing, sweating, verbal and visual expression of fear). Eventually, when the client is in a suitable mindset to enter the elevator he or she would do so. If the fear becomes overwhelming the therapist might employ relaxation techniques such as controlled breathing to calm the client down, then try again. Hopefully, through enough exposure and several experiences of safely riding an elevator this client would overcome this fear as the environment is simply not frightening and the client will not respond with fear, at least in theory.
But what of the past? What about early life experiences and their contributions to ones present state of mind? What about inner psychic and thought processes contributing to someones well being?
Well, the earliest forms of modern therapy are based on this model and still hold validity today. Insight oriented therapies have existed for quite sometime starting with Freud’s Psychoanalysis evolving to modern day Psychodynamic Therapy. The idea is that the mind is composed of different constructs that develop from early life experiences. (Freud’s concept of the conscious, subconscious, unconscious/ego, superego, id) If these experiences are traumatic or unhealthy a person’s psyche can develop conflicts within itself and lead to the person to suffer and display behaviors which further contribute to their suffering, many times outside of one’s conscious awareness. Such a therapist will work with a client to uncover these conflicts and learn how someone’s particular life experiences may be affecting them. For example, a man who is having trouble with relationships with women may become aware that his primary female role model, his mother, was quite domineering and emotionally abusive in the form of manipulation in her effort to control him and in a maladaptive manner, retain his affections. This hypothetical man now finds himself in relationships with emotionally abusive manipulative women and suffers because of it. However, now being aware that he had unconsciously sought out these traits in the women he engages relationships with because he had modeled his “ideal” woman from the influence of his early experiences with his mother, he can now choose instead with full awareness to seek out more adaptive relationships with more emotionally stable, unabusive women.
By gaining insight and becoming aware of ones inner psychic processes and early life experiences the idea is that one achieves the power to recognize these conflicts at play in their life and take actions to change them.
The most thoroughly empirically validated therapeutic process to date is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. A relatively modern form of therapy that takes some of the behavioral concepts mentioned above and bridges them with a person’s thought processes. CBT presents the mind as having a feedback loop between ones thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and behaviors. A feedback loop is a concept where each aspect of something effects the other.
For example, if a person truly believes that he or she is unworthy of love then such a person may also have self-defeating thoughts such as; (“nobody loves me”, “I’m a despicable person”, or “who would want to love me?”) in turn the person’s behavior may be to withdraw from social interaction and not seek out and foster relationships with other people. This can ultimately lead the person to feel depressed. As the person continues to feel depressed he or she will continue to withdraw from social interaction and continue to have self-defeating thoughts,. Therefore the underlying belief of not being worthy of love is continuously reinforced.
The CBT therapist is not so much focused on the person’s early life experiences and thus will not have the client analyze his or her past, rather the CBT therapist focuses on the present moment and asks the question “How are these processes effecting the person NOW?” Through the use of work assignments, which, for this hypothetical person would be to start off with the simple task of introducing ones self to another person. The therapist assesses the client in regards to their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors in these moments. The therapist and client address; self-defeating or catastrophic thoughts (i.e. “This person doesn’t care about what I have to say”) and recognize adaptive rational thoughts as a result of the assigned task(s) (i.e. “this person seems interested in what I have to say”), identifying and challenging irrational beliefs (i.e. “Human beings are not loving beings”WHY?) while promoting more adaptive ones (i.e. “I’m a human being, all human beings desire and deserve love”/”All human beings are capable of love”), and highlighting maladaptive behaviors (i.e. lack of eye contact, pessimistic tone of voice) while promoting more adaptive ones (i.e. complimenting the other person, positive body language). By examining each aspect of the person’s cognitive-behavioral feedback loop and presenting alternatives a person can become better equipped to change how they feel and attain increased levels of social interaction. Furthermore, after this hypothetical person has more and more positive and rewarding experiences interacting with others he or she may change their beliefs about themselves completely (i.e. “I am worthy of love”). He or she will also be able to recognize and renounce negative thinking that still may arise and continue utilize the therapist’s assignments (i.e. the therapist has the client offer to take a new acquaintance to a social event). It is all in the moment and the process goes on without having to spend time digging deeply into the past. CBT is a pro-active approach and is very popular.
Some therapists utilize concepts from multiple theoretical approaches. For example, a therapist could gain insight into a client’s current interpersonal troubles by examining past relationships. Then present the client with pro-active assignments to allow the client to work with the particular stimulus (people). The insight provides closure and acceptance for the person in that his or her troubles were indeed influenced by his experiences as a child, thereby eliminating unwarranted or irrational thoughts (possibly guilt) and beliefs in regards to relationships. He or she is then directed by behavioral methods to improve social skills and provide positive experiences to learn and grow from. These therapies are known as; Eclective Therapy, the use of a distinct and separate approach to an individual case, and Integrative Therapy, the fusion of multiple approaches to a single case. To simplify this think of an ecclective therapist as one who uses behavioral techniques for one client, cognitive techniques for another, interpersonal for another, and so on. The integrative therapist, meanwhile, will utilize multiple approaches for each individual case the therapist works with (insight, behavioral, and cognitive approaches for a single client’s problems). A little confusing but there is a difference.
Integrative therapy is the orientation I identify with and I employ various approaches to each case depending on the person’s particular presenting problems. I believe the integrative approach prevents a therapist from taking an excessively dogmatic approach to therapy and become close-minded to alternative possibilities regarding the cause and resolution of clients problems. It allows the therapist to recognize problems from different angles and guide the therapy in a manner most suited for different clients. I believe integrative therapy allows for greater success as it allows a therapist to work with a greater variety of people who come seeking treatment with an even greater variety of issues.
However, I suppose the most pertinent question in all this is…..Which one is the best approach!
Well, actually, every therapeutic style has about the same level of effectiveness. A lot has to do with the interpersonal abilities of the therapist, their level of training and experience, and the level of rapport between client and therapist.
There is no universally agreed upon ultimate theory of psychology and human behavior nor is their one for therapy. However, all of these theoretical styles (and this article is simply scratching the surface, there many other types of therapies like Existential, Rational-Emotive, etc) have got at least a piece of it right which means the true answer is likely somewhere near the center with all these concepts playing a role in the totality of human psychology.
For the prospective client I would suggest researching these various approaches further. If you are considering seeking out therapy you would be well off to educate yourself and find the style you believe you would be best suited for and then find a therapist who works with that particular orientation.
Good luck and stay peaceful
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at (800) 313-1169
Why do people remain in emotionally and/or physically debilitating relationships?
It should be simple right? You’re in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive, manipulates you and others you care for to satisfy their own selfish and destructive means, perhaps this person goes even further and harms you physically. Well, you should just end the relationship right?
Yes, you should. It is that simple.
If a relationship be it; casual, romantic, even familial is one which derives greater detriment to your well-being than to your benefit despite efforts to shift the balance of the relationship to one that offers mutual fulfillment, then yes you should end the relationship or it will continue to cause you suffering.
Then why is it that so many people remain in such relationships and continue to suffer? Well, let us examine some of the reasons.
Fear
Many people remain in maladaptive relationships out of fear. Sometimes the fear is rational, as in the case of a physical abusive spouse who may realistically threaten and severely harm the person and/or their loved ones should the person decide to end the relationship.
Sometimes the fear is irrational, as can be found in the fear of loneliness. Some people will rationalize a relationship with someone who they may even have full awareness of being manipulative or completely non-supportive, yet convince themselves that it is better to maintain a relationship with someone of this caliber than to not have the relationship at all and risk being lonely and unable to find and grow a new relationship.
The first person who is afraid must find the will and courage to seek out help from Law enforcement and social services to help protect the person and their family from the physically dangerous person. Those close to such a person should intervene if they truly value the person.
The second person has a lack of self worth, a way of being that may have attracted the parasitical like person to take advantage of their weakness and manipulate this perception and fear to maintain control in the relationship for whatever benefits they seem to get from the relationship.
Irrational Thinking (Sense of Obligation)
Some people will remain in a detrimental committed relationship out of a sense of obligation to the ideal of a committed relationship at the expense of their own and sometimes loved ones well-being. Even after efforts have been taken to mend such a relationship a person will remain in it, usually operating out of a socially/culturally induced belief system. Fear can also be a factor for a person living in a particular social/cultural system as fear of judgment or ostracization from family and peers within a particular social/cultural system. (This is not always an irrational fear)
Take marriage for example. Far too often we see those in a conflict ridden marriage remain with their spouse out of a sense of obligation to the ideal of marriage itself or out of a sense of duty for the benefit of their children.
However, it is actually to the detriment of the children, and by extension other loved ones, for a couple to remain together in a stressful, conflicted, and tense relationship. The maladaptive environment such a relationship creates will immerse their loved ones in it. It is very emotionally painful and destructive for children to experience the great anger that conflicted parents direct towards each other in such relationships along with the negative states of mind that each parent remains in as the couple continues to live with each other. Children are very permeable psychologically and experiences, especially early life experiences, are very influential in setting the foundation to which the child will become an adult and perceive and operate in the world with. Children with parents in volatile relationships are far more likely to be emotionally unstable later in life.
It is much healthier psychologically for a child to be with a single parent who is less stressed and angry having separated from their significant other than to have the child live in a household of two highly conflicted parents. For those that hold onto a sense of obligation, should not the greatest obligation for parents be to their children? If so, such negative parent relationships must be healed or ended for the benefit of the child.
I do not want to suggest that we all abandon our relationships when they are not going well. All human relationships will have moments of conflict and strife. People are hurt in relationships all the time. Many relationships can be healed and even made stronger but it is important for us to be able to recognize when a relationship can be saved and when it cannot. Then, find the courage to express our will and make the wise choice in mitigating the negative effects of such relationships. Some people can do this alone and others require support.
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com He can be contacted by email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at (800) 313-1169
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The therapeutic relationship is considered to be the most pertinent component in facilitating the successful resolution of a clients presenting problems. The therapeutic relationship simply defined is, the collaborative relationship between client and therapist, wholly focused on the client, to gain understanding of and effectively change the client in a manner that promotes their overall well-being.
The ability of the therapist to facilitate a strong working therapeutic relationship is what really makes or breaks a therapist, so to speak. Online therapists are of no exception. There are many people in the mental health profession who are strongly attuned and hold great understanding of the various theoretical orientations that are applied in therapy. Yet, even they may not be suited to be a therapist.
It is not so easy to educate a therapist to be empathic, compassionate, ethical, trustworthy, inter-personally skilled, patient, and emotionally stable. All of which are the primary traits of a therapist who can facilitate, grow, and maintain a healthy therapeutic relationship with their clients.
It is not so much the therapist’s intellectual knowledge of the psyche and human behavior that matters when it comes to the proper expression of the therapeutic process, rather it is based on the character of the individual therapist. The therapist’s inclinations towards behaviorism, freudian/psychodynamic/ insight oriented theories, or cognitive and existential theories, are far less relevant to the resolution of presenting problems than the more innate abilities of a therapist as mentioned above. It is important for the client to be aware of the importance of these traits when seeking out/working with a therapist.
Not all people attracted to the field of psychology or mental health are suited for conducting therapy. Some people may be more suited to academia, research, or even public policy making. It is important for any therapist to “know thyself” so to speak, and determine if they really have what it takes to be a therapist. The same principles apply to any potential or current online therapist.
For the client, he or she must use their own discernment to determine if a potential or current therapist is someone they;
- Feel engaged with – do you get the sense that the therapist is solely focused on your well-being and is motivated to help and guide you? Do you sense that the therapist lacks focus, is more concerned about personal financial gain over your well-being? Or, for some other reason is not in engaged in the present moment with you, missing key points you make and not following up and discussing further those topics which you feel require more discussion? Do you sense the treatment has legitimate and expressed goal(s) to attaining resolution or does it seem to lack any real direction?
- Are you comfortable with the therapist? Do you find yourself; uncomfortable sharing any real personal information and expressing yourself emotionally? Do you feel the conversation in session(s) to be more superficial than truly insightful or engaging with the deeper aspects of yourself? – What is your sense of trust with the therapist? Do you have a burden of doubt with the therapists’ abilities and where the treatment is going? Can you comfortably express your concerns and doubts with the therapist or is there some fear of judgment from the therapist?
- Do you find the therapist comforting, empathic, and compassionate or is he or she emotionally stagnant or cold when working with you, not being responsive to your emotional and verbal expressions that may hold a strong value with you?
These questions highlights just a few important aspects within the therapeutic process which both client and therapist should be aware of. Furthermore, not every therapist is going to be suitable for every client and vice versa. It is important for both client and therapist to be aware of the strength of the relationship. If the therapeutic relationship is one which is not promoting well-being and the resolution of presenting problems and this becomes apparent, it must be discussed thoroughly in the session(s).
If such a relationship is deemed by both parties to unlikely come to fruition then it may be necessary to discuss possible termination of the therapy.
Termination in therapy is not a bad thing, it is done for the benefit of the client; whether it be a successful resolution or sharp improvement of the clients problems, if the process is actually becoming detrimental to the client, or even if the therapist comes to believe they are not suited to work with the client despite gains being made. Termination is a process that exists for the client to move forward, not backward.
Nevertheless, it is incumbent upon client and therapist, be it online or traditional therapy, to discuss the importance of a healthy working therapeutic relationship, especially in the beginning of therapy and to recognize the signs of a faltering one so that efforts can take place to remedy the situation for the betterment of the client.
Robert Morse, M.A. is the sole operator of the e-therapy service website http://rmetherapy.com. He can be reached via email at contact@rmetherapy.com or by telephone at (800) 313-1169.
